What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

What did one pickle say to the other? Dill with it. 

What social events do spiders love to attend? Webbings.

What is a room with no walls? A mushroom.

Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child? Sandy, obviously!

Which superhero hits home runs? Batman!

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k? HDMI.

Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

What did the lava say to his girlfriend? “I lava you!”

Why do birds fly south in the winter? It’s faster than walking!

 What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike

What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? “Freeze. You’re under a vest.”

 Where did the music teacher leave her keys? In the piano!

What’s a cat’s favorite dessert? A bowl full of mice-cream.

What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.

Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand? A palm tree!

Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner? Because he thought he couldn’t use his hands.

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because she was stuffed. 

What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account? PRIME-mates.

How does the ocean say hi? It waves!

 

A man stopped at a traffic light in his brand-new Rolls Royce. A bright red Porsche pulls up beside him, rolled down his window and excitedly entices the Rolls driver to do the same.

"Whatya want?" asked the first man.

"Hey, nice wheels you got there!" said the Porsche driver, "Does that car have a TV?"

The Rolls Royce driver replied, "Of course this car has a TV! Are you nuts? I paid $250,000 for this car! There isn't any option this baby is missing."

"Oh, yeah?" said the Porsche driver, "Do you have a bar in there?"

"Naturally, in fact I have two. One for the driver and one in back for the passenger!" exclaimed the Rolls Royce driver.

"Sounds terrific," said the Porsche driver, "But I'll bet you don't have a bed in there do you?"

The light turned green and the red Porsche speed off. The Rolls Royce stayed put while the driver pondered that last retort. Then he drove back to the dealership and told the Sales Manager that he just had to have a bed in the back of the car. The Sales Manager told him that for a price he can have any option he wanted. They agree on the price of the bed and the man left.

Two days later, the man returned and picked up his car with the bed installed in the back. He drove his Rolls Royce all over town in search of the red Porsche so he could gloat about his new option.

After four hours his search ended when he found the Porsche in a cul-de-sac. He pulled alongside the other car and seeing no one around, honked his horn. When no one came out he leaned on the horn until the driver's window of the red Porsche opened and a naked man leaned out; he is soaking wet. He exclaimed, "What's your problem now bud?"

The other man replied, "Well I did it! Now I have a bed in the back of my Rolls Royce!"

The naked man in the Porsche looked at him and yelled, "You got me out of my shower for THAT?!!"

What do you call a Fly with no wings? A Walk!

 

A very self-important young man goes out and buys what he believes is the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world.

That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a mo-ped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me $100,000.""That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly. The mo-ped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the mo-ped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!

Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror, please."

What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear. 

 

A fellow bought a new Porsche and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Porsche," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100..... "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," said the officer.

What do kids play when their mom is using the phone? Bored games

 

A dumb guy driving a Porsche sees another dumb guy with a Porsche broken down on the side of the road. He stops to see if he can help.

The guy with the broken Porsche tells him, "I just had a look under the hood, and there's nothing there. Somebody must have stolen the engine while I was driving!"

To which the other guy replies , "Oh, no problem, I have a spare in the back of my mine."

What do you call an ant who fights crime? A vigilANTe! 

 

Fred was walking down the street, when his best friend Joe pulled up in a brand new Porsche.

"Where the hell did you get Porsche?", Fred asked in disbelief.

"Well," Joe replied, "Last night I was at a bar and started dancing with this girl. When the bar closed, she motions for me to follow her. We jump in her Porsche, and drive off into the mountains. She stops, jumps out of the car, takes off all her clothes, and tells me, 'You can have anything you want.' So I took the car."

"That was pretty smart", said Fred, "Seeing as how her clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

Why are snails slow? Because they’re carrying a house on their back

 

This guy is cruisin through the country in his brand new twin turbo Porsche 911 when he notices his gas is running low. So he pulls into the next gas station.

Gas attendant asks him "What can I do for you sir?"

"Fill ‘er up with high octane," replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a twin turbo Porsche 911. It's one of the fastest cars in the world."

"Wow! What it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power mirrors, Bose 100 watt per channel 8 speaker stereo system with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk, air cooled disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments, and best of all, a rear driven flat-6 3.6 ltr engine that'l do 190 mph and 0 to 60 in 4 seconds flat."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that’s really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver.

"That’ll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That’s what I put my ***** on when I drive," says the driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "those Porsche people think of everything!"

What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee

 

There was this blonde applying for a job and saw a sign that said needed for paint job. So she went to the house and knocked on the door.

She said,I'm here for the paint job;and the guy said,Ok.Here's the paint I want you to paint the porch.

She said, No Problem, and set off to work. She finished the first coating and decided because it didn't take very long she would give it a second coat.

She finished the second and knocked on the door. She said, I gave it two coats and oh,by the way, It's not a porsche, It's a Lexus!

What is fast, loud and crunchy? A rocket chip

 

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche!New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke,but thought it was worth a shot.So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche!New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke,but thought it was worth a shot.So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

How does the ocean say hi? It waves!

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!" 

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?It had great food, but no atmosphere.

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.This text should be replaced with information about you and your business

What do dentists call their x-rays? Tooth pics!

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

 

What’s the difference between a slack night worker and one that doesn’t think he’s slack? One can really see a big part of the slack one in himself.

Thanks Paul, Keep'em coming